Smoke & Mirrors-the Medieval Antics of Team Rocket
by Kasumi Mizuhana
Summary: Written in ye Olde English, `tis a story of three heroes( Ashford, the knight-in-training, Brock, the minstrel, and Misty, his muse) and of the nefarious Rocket Guild! A tale of treachery, a tale of woe...ah yes..and it also has a bit of innuendo ~_~


God give ye good day, fair Poké-Parishoners! I am Alchemist Oak, and I have for ye a tale of three heroes. Ashford- a young knight-in-training, Brock- a travelling minstrel, and Misty- his muse. 'Tis also a tale of three rogues: Jesse, James, and Meowth, of the nefarious Rocket Guild.

Ladies of the Court, Gentleman, I bring you a classic struggle of good versus evil…

"'Tis a day fit not for man nor beast!"

"Nor Pokémon!" a small cat-like creature piped. 

James I of the hamlet of Roquet pulled a hooded cowl tightly over his head, extending a bit of cloth to his partner Jesse. 

"Thank ye, James," she replied, graciously accepting the boon.

"Why art we wasting our time here?" James whined through clenched teeth. "The wretches hath no other trail to follow…we could cuteth them off at the pass!"

"I won't hear of it, James! Approaching them head-on wouldst be a fool's maneuver!" Jesse said authoritatively.

"We'll ambush the blighters," Meowth gleefully cried.

Jesse turned to the on stretch of road ahead of them. "Pikachu, mine gloves of black cow-hide shalt clench upon thy soft, yellow person, and ye shall be robbéd of the freedom that has thee spoilt!"

James and Meowth pumped their fists in the air and gave the rallying cry of: "Aye! Aye!"

It began to snow, a hard, driving snow, and clumps of packed white powder pelted poor James in the face. 

"I want to leave this horrid vigil!" he said pathetically. "Let us seek shelter from these tyrannical elements!"

"Fie, and you call thyself a Rocket?" Jesse scolded.

"Jesse, I'm cold too," Meowth said.

Jesse let out a sigh. "Fine, you Nancy-boys… we'll away." She cringed at the thundering "Huzzah!" that followed at her back. 

A day's light later…

"'Tis four days we've traveled this trail."

"Fie, 'tis been as many years since I've been with a woman…"

Misty Waterflower shot a surprised look towards her minstrel companion, Brock. 

Brock blushed deeply. "Erhh, I mean socially…"

Ashford of Ketchum jabbed his finger into the blizzard. "Hark! An inn! A hot meal and a warm bed would do us worldly good, eh, Pikachu?"

"Piketh!"

"Or a warm meal and a **hot bed**. Hmmm..." Brock said thoughtfully. He again found himself dodging his muse's glare. 

"Hold, let us take sweet repose from this tiresome journey! Hardships can batter the soul!"

"Or strengthen it. I thought you longed for knighthood, Ashford?" Misty said pointedly. 

"Yes, well, no sense it getting oneself slain before the battle's started…"

"But that's just it, young pup!" Misty cried. "I dare say, we haven't encountered any sort of brouhaha."

"No, you say? What of that troll?"

"That was an elderly peasant woman," Brock snorted.

"How couldst ye tell? She had whiskers all over!"

"Estrogen. I can smell it."

"Marry, in this weather?" Ashford asked, impressed.

"Might we depart from this horrid subject?" Misty pleaded.

"Forsooth. Let us go to the inn. I feel we need a break from this cold."

Hence, the young knight-in-training and his comrades made their way to the nearby hostile.

"Knocketh, knocketh!" James sing-songed as he beat rhythmically on the old wooden door. Jesse cuffed him on the head with her paper fan. 

"Quit thy foolishness or get thee gone, sirrah!"

"Pardon, Jesse, pardon," James muttered apologetically.

Jesse rapped quietly on the door. An aged woman revealed her head through a small opening.

"Who's there?" she demanded. "Who's there in this frightful chill?"

"Weary travelers, m'lady," Jesse explained. "I beseech you, wouldst ye offer a night's repose from these abysmal elements?"

"Aye, ye may rest your souls the night." The door opened fully to reveal a very cozy sitting parlor, where several nuns appeared to be praying. "Bear in mind, this be a holy place (at least while these nuns resideth within)."

"Bless you," Jesse said bowing her head.

James walked in slowly, absorbing his surroundings. A box of Godiva caught his eyes.

"Hark! Nougat!" he said, salivating as he lifted a confection to his lips. The woman sharply slapped his knuckles. 

"Drop that!"

"Oucheth!" James sputtered. "Jesse! She strucketh me! Horrid, smelly woman!"

"Those chocolates art for my niece, Misty, and not for thee!" she told him.

"Misty?" 

"Aye. She and two others, and a Pikachu."

"Pikachu!" A light bulb went off in James's head. "Jesse, come here…!"

"Yes, James?" Jesse appeared garbed in a soot-black habit, along with Meowth who was wearing one to match.

"Where did you get those?" the woman asked, aghast.

"Oh, isn't it the silliest frock you've ever seen, James?" Jesse asked, her voice dissolving into giggles.

"Errh…I'd have to concureth with that…why is Meowth wearing it?"

"It's cold," he replied flatly.

"I'll asketh again," the woman began angrily. "Where did thou getest those?"

"Why, off of the nuns in the back," Jesse said. "They're not bad for a laugh you know."

"You should see how dey look in our clothes," Meowth added.

"Fie, I've had enough of this folly! You will return those clothes to their respective owners! Did I not warn thee that this art a sacred dwelling?"

"A nunnery!" James concurred, popping the forbidden chocolate into his mouth. The woman gave him a blow to the head, causing his jaw to go slack and the morsel tumbled back into its paper wrapping.

"Oucheth again!" he cried.

Jesse suddenly remembered that James had beckoned for her. "Oh, James, what was it that ye wanted to tell me?"

"Oh, right, right…Why don't you meet me in my room and…"

"What's wrong, James?"

"I've suddenly remembered that I have not yet been shown to my room." James turned expectantly towards the woman.

"Humph. Well, your cat has a place by the fire, if he so desires it, but as for you two, I've only one vacant room."

"Grand," Jesse groaned.

"I don't see what's wrong with that…" James said with a devilish grin.

The woman shook her head and began walking to the corridor. 

"Come, strange ones. I'll lead thee to thy room…"

Jesse and James walked into the room curiously and began examining it. 

"Is it to your liking?" their hostess asked, managing to muster up some hospitality.

"There's only one bed," Jesse pointed out.

"Aye, sorry for that, but as ye can see, we art pressed for space."

James pushed down on the mattress, testing it for sturdiness. When he had prodded it enough to satisfy him, he tumbled onto it, sinking into the heavy comforter.

"This art heavenly…" he sighed.

"Good that you like it, but I'll thank you to get your lily arse off of MY bed," said Jesse, leaning over.

"Why should I have to sleep on the floor?" James pouted.

"I'll leaveth thee alone…" the lady said warily, and she shut the door behind her. "There are some night gowns in the bureau."

"I'm going to get changed," Jesse told her partner as she made her way to the adjoined wash room. "When I geteth back, I expect for ye to be off that bed."

"Aye, whatever you say, boss," James said sarcastically. "And for thy record, I art a pansy, not a lily arse!"

After the door shut behind Jesse, James quickly stripped down to his long underwear and sprawled out on the bed. He wriggled into the covers and began to snore softly. He drooled a little for affect.

When Jesse got out of the wash room, she frowned at what she saw. Stomping over to the bed where her partner was "asleep", she loomed over him angrily. 

"What art ye doing?" she demanded. James gave no answer, he just giggled a little (he was a terrible pretender) and continued with his fake snoring.

"I know ye aren't sleeping," she said slowly. More giggles. She decided to play along. 

"Well, since it looks like dear James will not be getting up anytime soon, I suppose we'll have to share the bed…"

James's eyes shot open, but he caught himself and closed them again quickly. Meanwhile, Jesse had walked around to the side of the bed where James's head was turned and eased herself onto the comforter. She yawned and took a leisurely stretch, allowing the nightgown to creep off her shoulder a bit. James quivered. 

He opened his eyes just a tiny bit, enough so that he could make out the blurred form of Jesse staring him right in the face. "Good ni-ight, James, darling," Jesse cooed, snuggling close.

Shaken, James sat upright. He glanced once more at Jesse, who had the most devious little grin on, and then lay down on the floor.

"That woman shalt be the death of me," he muttered, and he drifted off to sleep. 

The night was pretty uneventful after that, until Jesse decided to take it a step further.

"Yawn! My, these pants be too warm! I think I shalt simply sleep in this nightgown tonight." With that she pulled off the pajama pants and tossed them on James's head. That was the last straw.

"Treacherous woman!" he spouted. "Thou hast mocked me for thy last time!" Angrily he lunged onto the bed and the two started grappling, which, of course, was accompanied with the usual name-calling…

"Ungh! Little girl-boy!"

"Callused wench!"

"Cross-dresser!"

James narrowed his eyes scornfully and uttered coldly, "Fashion DISASTER."

The wail of anguish that followed rivaled the screeching of all three of a Dodrio's heads at once. Biting back tears, Jesse threw herself at James. She grabbed his nose and twisted it fiercely. 

"Suffer, you hellish demon! Suffer!" she bellowed, her eyes aflame.

"Aieee!" James screamed. "Let go of me, get thy hands OFF of me!"

Just then Meowth walked in with the lady of the house. They were both appalled by what they saw.

"Here now, cease that at once! This is not a brothel!" the woman cried. Jesse and James stopped dead.

They backed away from each other, James holding his reddened nose tearfully.

"It's not what ye be thinking, m'lady," Jesse said sheepishly. Meowth just snickered. A stern look from James set him in place.

"Well, whatever act thou hath participated in, I'll have none of it! Not in this house! Either the both of you settle down, or I'll hose ye off m'self!"

"Aye, madam!" the two piped. 

"Good. Now get to sleep." With that she walked out the door, with a sniggering Meowth behind her.

They sat in silence for a while, James occasionally sniffling. Reluctantly he said, "Sorry about calling you a fashion disaster, and a callused wench."

Jesse sighed. "Sorry I tweaked thy nose."

"What about the other stuff?" James asked meekly.

"Don't push it."

"Right…"

Jesse paused a moment, trying to remember something. "What was it you never toldeth me?"

James suddenly perked up. "Oh! Well, as it turneths out, our hostess be none other than Maiden Misty's Aunt!"

"You lie!" Jesse said, astonished. James smiled and shook his head. 

"You know what that means!"

"Aye! Pikachu, we haveth you!"

------

"Master Brock, it be half past twilight! What art thee writing?" Misty sat up in her bed, glancing across the room at her minstrel master. 

"A love sonnet," he replied distantly.

"For whom?" Misty asked. 

"I'm…not sure yet…" Brock said. "I'll find someone…"

"Whatever ye sayeth," Misty said placing her head on the pillow. "Don't forget, we shalt be sojourning at the house on the hill in a day."

"Pray, for what?"

"My Aunt Ethni dwells there with a score of holy nuns." (ß There's the line that started it all, folks!)

"I fail to see thy point. By the way, what rhymes with hot sweaty love-making?" 

"Will you put thine blasted poem down for one second?" Misty asked, exasperated.

"Surely."

"All right. You see, Ashford is meant to escort the nuns to their convent up north. The journey be treacherous."

"Ashford as an escort? I thought he wanted to be a knight…"

Misty's fist came down hard upon Brock's pointy head.

"Get thy rest, lecher. We haveth a long journey ahead…"

Morning found Jesse and James in a heap, hanging off the side of the bed. They had just fallen asleep an hour ago. So naturally, they were quite displeased when Aunt Ethni opened the creaky door, letting a shaft of sunlight pour in.

"Rise and shine! Awake wi' thee!"

"Thou hast gotten the `shine' part down," James groaned squeezing his eyes tightly shut.

"Fie, 'tis morning already?" Jesse asked with a yawn.

"Aye," Aunt Ethni replied hurrying in with a fresh set of bed linens. "Now, as much as it displeases me t'rush thee, I must make ready for my niece and her fellow travelers."

"Oh, right!" Jesse said suddenly remembering. "Gracious hostess, we would very much like to meet your niece!"

"We hear she keeps good company!" James added hopping into his pants.

"Young Ashford of Ketchum, the legendary knight of Pallet!" Jesse concurred. Ethni eyed the two carefully.

"Aye, Ashford…but he be a fledgling yet, only a knight half-grown, and I daresay hardly legendary. How do ye know of him?"

"Errhhh… word passes quickly among chattering travelers!" Jesse said quickly with a nervous laugh.

"May we please?" James asked batting his eyelashes. 

"Ohhh…fine. Ye may stay and meet them, if ye wish."

"Huzzah!"

-------

"Ask not for whom the horse whinnies, young Ashford! For invariably, it whinnies for thee!" Brock held the door open for Ashford as he staggered out of the inn under the weight of his supplies. 

"She's all…hitched up then?" he asked with some effort.

"Aye, and ready for her master!"

"Oh, wait for me!" Misty called. 

"Lady Misty! An' ye had stayed a moment later, we'd have forgotten thee!"

"I know, I apologize, I just wanted to freshen up ere our departure."

"Well, let us away! If we are to reach thine aunt's house afore the night approaches, we best make haste! Onward, Ponyta!" 

With that the three set off on their way, hardly suspecting of what lay ahead….

-------

"Alright, Meowth. Do ye understand the plan?"

"Meowth an' James take da Pikachu, and you distract da twerps!"

"Right!" 

"I do not understand, Jesse…it's so simple, what makes ye think it shall succeed over our more elaborate schemes?"

"'Tis not the scheme, my dear James, so much as it is the scenario. Now, anon! I hear horses!"

They stepped into the parlor where Ethni was greeting her guests. 

"Misty, my cherub, you've grown so!"

"Cherub?" James snickered.

"Shhh!" Jesse hissed.

Before Misty could reply, Jesse pushed her aside and welcomed Ashford. 

"Oh, noble knight!" she hailed. "Thy mere presence makes mine heart a flutter! So handsome for one so young!"

"She art laying it on quite thick," James said to Meowth with a mixture of disgust and jealousy.

"Keep ya' mind onna mission!" Meowth snapped.

Ashford blushed deeply and scratched the back of his head. "You art too kind m'lady…"

"Aye," Brock said knocking him away. "Such a cultured lady deserves the more matured charm of a minstrel." He kissed her hand sloppily.

"Erhh, thank ye," Jesse said wiping her hand on his shirt. Then in mock surprise: "Oh! Ye have a Pikachu! Isn't it darling?" She plucked it from Ashford's shoulder and placed it in front of Meowth. 

"James, why don't you take these two somewhere where they might talk, or play, or whatever the little blighters do…"

"Aye, m'lady!" James said with a wink.

Jesse made small talk with the trio while James scooted the two Pokemon into the back room. Suddenly the small house wailed and shook in the wind. The beating of leathery wings could be heard coming from outside, and the squealing of a Pikachu. Ashford jumped out of his seat.

"Pikachu!" he cried. "Come, Brock! Something is amiss!" Jesse stopped him as he made a bolt for the corridor. 

"Erhh…I'm sure everything's fine…the wind probably gave the little dear a scare…" she said.

"But, Pikachu…"

"Tell thee what…I shalt investigate myself."

"A-alright."

"There's a good lad," Jesse said pardoning herself. " I shalt be back in two shaketh's o a flareon's tail!"

Aunt Ethni and her guests spent their moment of solitude in anxious silence. Once again without warning, the shaking and howling winds came. Ashford ran to the back room.

"Brock, look after the nuns, and our hostess!" he shouted. "I shall see what art going on…"

"Of course, young Ashford!" Brock replied. 

"Thank you for protecting us, Brock" Misty said clinging onto Brock's arm. "My Aunt carries with her the legacy of our family! We Waterflowers come from a long line of nubile women."

"Don't you mean noble women?" Brock asked over the roaring winds.

"Uhh…yeah. Well, no I meant nubile. My aunt may be old, but she still hath good birthin' hips."

"I see…Oh my…"

-------

Ashford rushed in to find Jesse and James stuffing Pikachu into a sack. A large Dragonite stood behind them with its wings extended fully. That explained the winds.

"Let mine Pikachu go, blackguards!" he shouted. 

"Kyah-ha-ha-ha-ha! HA! No chance in Hell, brat! Pikachu is ours!" Jesse continued to cackle evilly.

"Who art thou? What kind of horrid people would cause such trouble?"

"Trouble?" Meowth turned to his human companions.

"Ha! Foolish knight! Prepare thyself for trouble!"

James chimed in: "Marry, make that double!"

"To protect the world from devastation!"

"To unite all peoples within our local autonomic city-states!"

"To denounce the vices of valor and love!"

"To extend our reach to the stars above, or at the very least to the stratosphere, and the numerous clouds therein!" 

Jesse eyed her rambling partner warily, but continued: "Erhh… J-Jesse!"

"Ja-ames!"

"Rocket Guild! Blast off at the speed of a steed!"

"The defeat is thine, thou must concede!"

"Meowth! Indeed!"

"Rocket Guild! I should have known!"

"Yes, well knowledge is power, little one, power you missed out on. Too bad your Pikachu has to suffer for it."

At that moment Brock and the others ran in.

"What's going on?" Brock demanded. Aunt Ethni gasped in horror at the Dragonite.

"Save my soul, what a horrid creature! Get it out of my house!"

The Dragonite just made its bark-like noise and smiled.

"Ah you again," James said spitefully. "Well, we're taking the Pikachu, and thy chocolates as well!" He popped a morsel into his mouth for good measure.

"Horrible man!"

"Sticks and stones, old woman. But now, we're off!"

With that the Dragonite beat its mighty wings and carried the three thieves off. As they departed. Meowth turned to James.

"Da chocolate was an interesting touch, James. Someone's getting in touch wit' his inner-bitch."

"Sorry, but when I have low blood sugar I just get so moody!" James explained.

Ashford reached to his belt. "My Pidgeotto shall take care of them!" His face suddenly went shock white. 

"What's the matter, Ashford?" Misty asked.

"I…I left my Pokeballs at the inn…"

Brock shook his head disapprovingly. "Just like a novice to leave without his balls."

Ashford looked sadly to the sky, where the Dragonite and its riders were fading into a small dot in the distance.

"I guess this means…they won…"


End file.
